This week’s Best of Craigslist comes from a Chicago apartment-living man who is fed up with the man above him.

I have no idea who you are. I do not know if you’re male, female, young, old, black, white, straight, gay, ambidextrous, or a midget. What I do know is this: You are almost certainly obese and have at least one wooden leg. 

It is likely that I am completely off in my speculation, but at least hear me out. I do have some evidence that would warrant such claims. 

First of all, if you aren’t a manatee with at least one wooden appendage, I must assume then, that you do indeed have your feet blocked in cement. At the very least, you have a horrible case of elephantitis of the lower body causing your feet to stomp and drag and cause a great amount of disturbance. Now I’ve lived in apartments before, some being quite rowdy seeing as I did attend college for five years. Despite this, you my heavy hooved friend, are one of a kind. 

To read more visit the Craigslist page.