is your item still for sale??

Naturally I responded:

Yes. Are you interested

The next email I receive states that the person is completely OK with the price and doesn’t want to look at it, however, now this person begins sending all text italicized:

I am buying it for a friend,here is the shipping address

Marcus Tate
6454 n ridge ave apt g w
chicago, IL 60626

I’m OK with the listed price and the condition of the item.get back to me with the shipping cost via UPS Next Day air and your paypal email ID so i can proceeds with the payment.

So I checked how much it would cost to ship on UPS’s website and told the person:

Next day air from UPS will cost approximately $165.00.

Would you like to see the item?

My paypal account is

Please note that the item will ship as soon as funds are approved and exist in my bank account. There are no returns of any kind. The money is non-refundable.

Today I received two emails, one from Diana and one from “Paypal”:

I Have sent the payment and am sure you must have received the payment confirmation in your email.I want you to ship the package tomorrow(Monday) via UPS Next Air Day Delivery Service only and get back to me with the tracking number.

here is the receiver information below :
Marcus Tate
6454 n ridge ave apt g w
chicago, IL 60626

get back to me with the tracking number after you shipped it.

The email from “Paypal” has these email headers:

from service@paypal.com <Paypalmembersecured@mail2consultant.com>
reply-to paypalmembersecured@mail2consultant.com
to
date Sun, Jul 12, 2009 at 10:14 AM
subject Paypal Notification:Payment Temporary Holding Confirmation (C840-L001-Q999-T5365) Routing Code Confirmed

For all of you who do not know how to check the headers, you can either let me google that for you, or use command+shift+H in Apple Mail or click show details near the top of any given message in gmail.

However, here is my response to Diana stating that her funds have been sent:

Dear Diana,

How are you? You are about to get one incredible piece of machine. You see, I bought this computer during a trip in the midwest. St. Louis was my destination and I had no intention of buying anything, let alone a computer.

There was a girl. We met at a bar one night in New York City. It was a cheeky little bar and I was going out just to get drunk, but my luck turned upside down. I saw her. Her grace was exotic and she was feverishly hot. I took her back to my motel and the rest is history.

But she left.

It must have been the middle of the night or early in the morning – she was gone. “Lucy! Lucy!” I yelled as I walked around the apartment checking the motel lobby. She was gone and it was the best night I’ve ever had.

She was crazy in love with me. She smelled like sweet nectar. So I did what any sane man would do and chased her back to St. Louis.

I was walking in the area that she lived, the 2100 block of St. Louis where an Apple store resides. I had no intention of stopping in, but the modern architecture reminded me of her sweet bosom – she always wanted a computer.

So I did what any lover would do on a whim and bought her the best computer in the store. The Mac Pro. It was going to be great. She was going to love it. I could not wait to see the look on her face when she saw me holding it. It was going to astound and arouse her.

But I never gave her the computer, I found out that her address was that of a monastery and she was a catholic nun. She blessed the computer but couldn’t accept it and I took it home with me.

So here we are several months later. I have a computer that has been blessed by the holiest of all holiest and I’m about to send it off to your acquaintance.

I would really appreciate it, Diana, if you would come pick up the computer yourself. It requires gentle hands, for it has been blessed. I can’t bring it to the UPS store because they aren’t gentle enough to transport this beautiful blessed machine.

I have yet to receive a response. We’ll see.

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I have no idea who you are. I do not know if you’re male, female, young, old, black, white, straight, gay, ambidextrous, or a midget. What I do know is this: You are almost certainly obese and have at least one wooden leg. 

It is likely that I am completely off in my speculation, but at least hear me out. I do have some evidence that would warrant such claims. 

First of all, if you aren’t a manatee with at least one wooden appendage, I must assume then, that you do indeed have your feet blocked in cement. At the very least, you have a horrible case of elephantitis of the lower body causing your feet to stomp and drag and cause a great amount of disturbance. Now I’ve lived in apartments before, some being quite rowdy seeing as I did attend college for five years. Despite this, you my heavy hooved friend, are one of a kind. 

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